You’ve learned that speaking to yourself kindly is one important aspect of self healing. You know that your thoughts and words can interfere with how much better or worse you perceive yourself. You understand that self deprecation and self sabotage start with those silent utterances in your head before they become manifest…you’re also not dumb. You know when to call a spade a spade and you know what’s bull shit and what isn’t. Healing takes sincerity, radical honesty and trading the microscope for a mirror.

So then, how do you utilize positive self talk while confident you’re being honest? I came up with this blog post because, like you, I find it crucial to be kind and authentic amidst chaos. Plus, I know dishonesty is the root of addiction and I’m really trying to be efficient…

Here are 5 ways you can be kind WHILE being truthful so you too can get to where you’re going faster:

  1. Replace lies with truths. Sounds obv but hear me out. Rather than say, “I am beautiful,” when you indeed don’t feel that way, acknowledge the PARTS of yourself that you do indeed like (you don’t have to love them). An example of this would be, “I like the way my ears hold my hair back and how feminine it makes me feel, I like the shape of my eye brows and how they add an element of mystery to my face, I like how necklaces fall on my collar bone,” ETC. You don’t have to think you’re the hottest thing on the block to acknowledge that you have beautiful traits. Affirm, “I have plenty of traits that I like enough to notice.”
  2. Remind yourself how resilient and intelligent your body is. Keep in mind that nothing that took 5 months to gain will take 5 days to lose. We need time. Discipline. Patience. Determination. Fortitude. If you’re feeling like the fruits of your obsessive mental labor aren’t paying in physical dividends, remember that each day that you redouble your efforts is another day closer to your goals. Affirm, “I am strong, impassioned and willing to do this one more day.” Also, if we’re applying this to weight loss, decide if your approach is sustainable (vegan vs. keto = vegan diets simply suggest replacing meat/dairy products with plant based ones while keto suggests you forgo carbs entirely. So you decide how that cookie crumbles darling).
  3. Catch yourself in the comparison trap. Rather than gawk at others for all that they have and what you never will, look for bodies that are more similar to yours. If God gave you a 5’2″ frame you’ll never be 5’10” so you’re wasting your precious life obsessing about your bones – and guess what? The most magnificent thing about your body IS indeed your bones – no matter how long or short they are beneath all the skin & muscle surrounding them, bones last forever and tell incredible stories for archeologists to find later when NONE of this will ever matter. Before getting too philosophical think of it like this: unless you plan to walk on stilts, notice how other women/men with similar statures as yours carry themselves. Are they hunched over? Lift your chest. Are they frowning? Put a smile on your face. Are they wearing unflattering clothes? Take more pride in what you wear. Affirm, “this body, no matter how tall or short, thin or stout, is so intelligent and guiding my next move. I will listen more carefully.”
  4. Negative-self talk has been found to “feed” anxiety and depression, cause an increase in stress levels while lowering levels of self-esteem. This can lead to decreased motivation as well as greater feelings of helplessness. Negative self-talk can lead to a lowered ability to see opportunities, as well as a decreased tendency to capitalize on these opportunities. This means that the heightened sense of stress comes from both the perception and the changes in behavior that come from it. source

  5. Let’s say you’re in/out of a relationship and feeling insecure. Detachment will always be a handy tool. Tuck this away for easy access. No matter the insecurity, be it about looks, accomplishments, career or family remember that you are indeed a snowflake and there is no one like you. Not a one. So what if your bf chooses someone else? So what if the relationship crumbles? (Easier said, goddamnit). As long as you’re doing your part, ie. working on yourself, being accountable, assertive, kind, using “I statements” as opposed to blaming, you’re doing more than most. Affirm, “I am worthy of healthy relationships that reciprocate the love and adoration I’m equally willing to give.” (And remember, this is love you’re also willing to give…don’t hesitate to schedule a session with your therapist)
  6. So you’ve caught yourself in a trap of shit talking. “I’m a loser, I’ve accomplished nothing, my friends are doing better than me, I’m a POS, I’ll never be rich, easy for HER to say, easy for HIM to do, if only I had….ETC.” When things go awry, self blame is common. We know we’re being stupid and we sound ridiculous, so why do we do it? First of all, for those vulnerable and willing enough to admit it – being mean to ourselves keeps us from being as mean or more to another person. Conversely – of all the really big douche bags out there spewing hatred towards others means their self talk has to be wretched. How shitty (insert: compassion). So what now snowflake? It’s time to pick on your strengths, recite them, write them down, carve them into a tree and remember you’re not an impossible good for nothing. You’re here on purpose. Affirm, “I am here on purpose, I have skills ______, strengths______, goals_______, and I’m taking action toward them one small step at a time.”

I hope this helps. You have to believe yourself – even if just a little – enough. So rather than lie, remember there’s a little truth in everything and you can expand on it, stretch it, and exercise flexibility. Change is not only inevitable, it’s empowering. You deserve kindness like a child deserves love from its mother. Make sense? Hello resilience.