Sorry I suck at superficiality. If you fancy a read, here’s a story. Something between 2019-2021 amassed a plethora of “holy wtf” moments that I brave to say I’m not the only one looking over my shoulder like 😳 I hate to generalize here, but am I right?
I wanted to share a big something that’s been occupying a lot of brain space lately in hopes that it either helps or at least brings us a little closer together. Once upon a time someone handed me a mantra that I was to use and repeat as if it was my own. Bc this was a relationship and a committed one at that. So I dutifully (and willingly bc I’m not a victim) said these words to myself even tho I felt something different. 8 years it took me to see what happens when I repeat someone ELSE’S words, take them on & convince myself that I don’t feel the way “I do” but feel the way “they do.”
Then one day (& 2 children later) a call came thru and the person on the other end of the line said something to the effect of, “we gotta stop force-feeding this nonsense to Katie, it’s hurting her.” And I froze. Bc the mantra I was repeating for everyone’s sake was not for the sake of everyone after all. Blindsided by my childhood agenda (& my deeper trauma wounds) I spent a few months wrapping my brain around what repeating these words was doing to my sense of self. And I left. I packed, I started over, whilst zero money in my bank account, full time grad school, work and tending to my babies I took on the blame of ‘breaking the family.’
It’s taken me 2 full years to reconcile and recommit to the only one who will keep my end of the family bargain alive. Bc without me, no matter what, there’s no family. I am the pillar. The once gaslit fire under my ass is now a tank of nitrous that fuels all my endeavors – and holy hell am I amazed at what’s possible when we change one source for another… 8 years becomes a decade very fast.
This last lunar eclipse was the end of that chapter and one I refuse to repeat. When I say: Your body is a mantra I say that with vigor and I hope you can feel it. Your body is a mantra bc it knows EXACTLY what’s ok and what’s not. Your body is a mantra, it’s a hymn, it’s an alter. When something (or someone) goes against your body the only one who can stand up tall for it is your inner self – which is a Self that is untaint-able by anyone else’s fucked-up-ness.
Truth is once we make concessions for our body’s wisdom it’s a tough pattern to break which is why one persons dagger happens to be a series of daggers we’ve just normalized. We’re weird like that. Masochists.
So. I swallow a daily dose of mom guilt. And I repeat the ONLY mantra that matters. Wanna know what that is? It’s so simple it’s almost ridiculous.
The mantra is: I’m a good person.
Other mantras that come in like a cheerleading squad sound something like: Fuck those people. You got this. You’re a badass. Screw ___. Keep going….and, I love you.
I repeat that what I did was an act of bravery. It was an act for my children. It was a story I began writing for them so one day they can finish it (or at least evolve it). Many people don’t like looking at the picture that way bc society controls the strokes but the big picture is mine – and I can only hope someday my kids see it that way. I hold out for that. Paintbrush in hand.
So. What’s your mantra? And is it actually yours? Make sure it is & then call in your troops to back you up. Bc you’re good. All good. We just live in a really beautifully messed up world that’s trying to make sense of the crowded chaos and you’re not wrong. You’re not wrong. (You’re not wrong). That’s all for now. ❤️