Some days pass where I forget where I came from – I won’t lie. It’s been so long since I was in the throes of the eating disorder that robbed me of so much peace that all I could think about was “righting my wrongs,” and “being better.” As if being too present, too here & now, is a thing. Blind to the past, blurry future. I used to use food and perfectionism as a microscope to shame myself – the key to my recovery was choosing to use that same lens to empower myself.
Truth is, whether or not I’m hyper fixated on my body or what food I’m eating – because feeding myself intuitively and mindfully has become like second nature where as before it was like an atrophied limb I had to strengthen – I am still, ALWAYS, working to improve even if that’s in letting go.
This may sound overly cliché but I just don’t beat myself up about it. The biggest difference between then and now is that I can make decisions that I’d otherwise wish I hadn’t but I don’t dwell there. As soon as I realize I’m stuck on wishing I had made a different choice, for example: eaten something I wish I hadn’t, worked out before I ate, slept in or woken up early, I simply revert to: WHAT’S THE NEXT BEST DECISION I CAN MAKE?
I’m still healing.
Every damn day.
Doesn’t matter how long we’re on this path.
Doesn’t matter how much we know. Or learn. Or are taught.
We’re still healing, we’ll always be healing because life inherently breaks us down little by little and it’s up to us to rebuild. One day at a time if you will.
The more militant, the more regimented, or the more rigid my thinking the more I see where I need to bend.
Believe me, I’m a lover of routine but I try and remind myself that life doesn’t move on a linear path so healing probably won’t either. The question will remain: what can I do now (not tomorrow, not yesterday) to bring myself peace?
- I can slow down
- I can give myself a few hours to do something else
- I can move locations, close the door, put on my air pods
- I can go for a walk
- I can consider what future choices will help to balance out the choice I just made
- I can buy a new brand of coffee or try something new or take myself out
- I can listen to an inspirational podcast
- I can give my time, energy and compassion to another person (be in service)
- I can pray
- (none of these things ever felt possible until I took the first step – and that was 20 years ago)
Just because I didn’t make one choice that felt like the best choice doesn’t mean my next choice can’t feel great. And no matter what, taking care of my present state means tomorrow will be even better. This is large in part why I don’t drink alcohol much any more. One or two drinks means my tomorrow is compromised and I decided that I don’t have many tomorrow’s to waste. Choosing not to drink didn’t have to be about the calories or the toxins or the social acceptance or the FOMO. It all boils down to: tomorrow.
So what will make your tomorrow brighter? Because even if the rain came down 5 minutes ago or you realize lightening struck and shit on your intentions doesn’t mean we need to block the light from doing its job. Make a little space now…
xo
Katie
